Couples Therapy
Strengthen Your Relationship with Online Couples Therapy
Research shows that the divorce rate lies between 43% and 67% over forty years of marriage. Avoiding divorce and staying deeply in love is possible with the right tools and support. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have studied relationship dynamics since 1969, developing a model of therapy based on the common elements of healthy and loving relationships.
Woah! That’s a pretty intense statistic. So, how do people do it, avoid divorce? And, even more importantly, how do they avoid divorce by staying deeply in love with their partner?
Fortunately, someone has done the research for us. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are a married couple researching relationship dynamics since 1969. They’ve studied relationships all along the spectrum from healthy and deeply in love to healthy but distressed to unhealthy relationships, all the way to abusive and unsafe relationships.
Along the way, they developed a model of therapy based on the common elements in healthy and loving relationships. Basically, there are four components of a healthy and loving relationship.
Every couple is different, but usually, there are areas of strength and areas of growth scattered throughout all of these components; fortunately, all of these elements can be strengthened and fine-tuned, so don’t worry if not all of them are rock solid for you!
The Essentials
The foundation of all relationships is trust and commitment. Strengthen these by:
- Following through on promises
- Being there for your partner
- Being “all in”
- Taking the first step to repair when things go sideways
- Trust and commitment can be weakened by low follow-through, “white lies,” addictions, or affairs.
The Friendship System
A strong friendship is crucial for a healthy relationship. This involves:
- Knowing your partner’s internal world
- Expressing appreciation for your partner
- Being engaged and interested in interactions
- Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt
Over time, as life gets busy, it's important to stay connected by continuing to learn about each other and offering compliments and appreciations.
The Conflict System
Healthy relationships include conflict. According to the Gottmans, 69% of all conflict in a relationship is unsolvable. Successful couples approach these unsolvable issues with dignity and love. Replace harmful communication (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) with effective, evidence-based strategies to ensure both partners feel heard and respected.
The Meaning System
Build a meaningful life together by:
- Creating family traditions and rituals
- Supporting each other’s lifelong dreams
- Integrating individual dreams into your shared vision
Bonus: Mental & Physical Health
External factors like mental and physical health impact relationships. Couples with trauma backgrounds can create safe, stable refuges for each other with the right tools and support.
The bonus component is where we look at what outside factors are impacting our relationship. This could be mental health factors such as trauma, or it could be physical health factors such as chronic health conditions, or any other number of things. I really enjoy working with couples where one or both parties have a trauma background. Untreated, trauma and its shame narratives can run rampant through the relationship causing all sorts of havoc, but with the right tools and support, a trauma background provides us with an opportunity to create the first safe, stable refuge in your life. The first person you can truly depend on to be there for you and vice versa. That’s some amazing work and some spectacular healing.